Wife: Doctor My husband thinks he's a satellite dish.
Doctor: Don't worry I can cure him.
Wife: I don't want him cured I want you to adjust him to get the movie channel.

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Doctor: "I've got very bad news. You've got cancer and Alzheimer's."
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

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Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

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Patient to the eye doctor: "Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain."
Doctor: "Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking."